Ups and Downs

Unemployment is a tricky thing. I am trying to stay positive, to stay motivated, to stay happy and sane and all that. I am trying to be grateful for the little bit of low-paying and sporadic temp work I am actually getting (5 days, around 2-4 hours a day, for $10.25 an hour, yeah). I know that I should be glad for the work, and in some ways I am. I mean, there are many people who would jump at a job that, even sporadically, pays $10.25 an hour. I've just been spoiled, I guess. It will be good to do some sort of work (not that job-hunting isn't work - trust me, it is), and I think it will be good for my karmic energy and whatnot. Putting positive-worker-bee-energy out there, telling the universe I am ready and willing to re-join the job force. Not that I really believe in that karmic energy of the universe stuff...but maybe I do. I'm not really sure, but the point is that it can't hurt to accept some work when it's offered, no matter what the pay or how much I don't want to wake up at 7am.

Some days are better than others. Some days, I remember that I have an extremely supportive network of friends and family; people who are willing to put in a good word or hand off my resume to someone they know, or even just come over and hang out while I clean my apartment. Some days, I wake up feeling well-rested. I go to Curves, I walk to Berkeley Bowl, I tackle a cleaning project. I feel good about myself and my day's activities, and when The Boy gets home from work, we eat a delicious meal. Some days, I really like being a pseudo-housewife (or as I call it, an apartment-girlfriend), and I think that if I just didn't have to go back to work, I could be very very happy. I would have time to volunteer or take classes, and I could stop stressing about finding a job and just enjoy myself.

And then, some days are worse. I am tired, I am sore, I'm not sleeping well - and I feel like I'm wasting my life, my time, my energy. I think that all I want is to get a "normal" day job, because my brain just doesn't function well with the multiple-part-time-flexible-hours kind of work. As much as it pains me to admit it, I'm a 40-hour-a-week-desk-job kind of girl. Oh wait, it doesn't pain me at all. I'm not ashamed to admit that I like the stability of knowing exactly how much my paychecks will be, and when I will receive them. I like having a place to go every day, and the sometimes great/sometimes awful coworker interactions. I know not everyone likes this kind of routine, but I love it. And I miss it. I'd like to say I never thought of myself as being an office rat, and that I'm shocked that this is where I want to be, but it really makes sense. I like routine, I like patterns, and I've always chosen the desk job over the food service or retail job.

BUT THEN I think to myself that (not so) secretly, I would kind of like to not have to work. To just continue on with this lifestyle of being (sort of) a homemaker. I like the idea of having just my home and myself to worry about, to have the freedom to walk a walk to my local grocer midday for fresh produce that I'll use that night when I prepare a delicious meal. To get together with friends midday, and to read. Lots of reading. Maybe some gardening. Maybe some napping.

Sigh.

I don't know exactly what I want, and I know that's ok. I know it's normal to have a quarter-life-crisis, or whatever you want to call it. It's perfectly alright to be 25 and not know what (holycrapI'm25) I want to do with the rest of my life. Or even what I want to do with the rest of my week. Or day. Or hour. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Seriously though, logically I know that it's ok to be in flux, and to not have found my One True Passion In Life and all that. But emotionally, irrationally, illogically, it can be very, very frustrating.

And that's my little unemployment rant for the day. I had a nice workout this morning, I'm going to the mall with a friend this afternoon to get these shoes my mom gave me for my bday, and I'm looking forward to seeing Sara on 30 Rock tonight. It's a beautiful day, and I am going to take a nice little nap and read the new Real Simple. Oh, and apply for jobs.